if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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