carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am never drinking with the goths again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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