I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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