I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
