I'm going to jail i love you
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
