i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
