i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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