And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
