She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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