9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just found a bag of teeth...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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