I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
