my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
