also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
