Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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