I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
