I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
