I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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