I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
