I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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