I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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