I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
