I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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