The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Man, jail baloney is awful.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
