Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
