I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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