that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
