I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
