someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
