oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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