i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
