Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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