I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
