I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
