My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
ttyl tear gas
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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