I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
