someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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