last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
