Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
