Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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