So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
