Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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