I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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