Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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