As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
