I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
