I need to stop coming to work sober
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
