U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
