I cannot find my penis.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
