i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
