the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
