I think I won the penis lottery.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
