I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
