I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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